the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
