Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
