I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You're like the curious george of whores
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
