tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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