Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
