I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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