Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
