I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
