Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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