I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
