The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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