I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
