having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
