but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
