Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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