I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
the liver wants what the liver wants
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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