I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My vagina just clenched in fear
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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