Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
