I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
