I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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