Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
smell my finger.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
