wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Randomize
