Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I had to cum in my sink.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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