see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
