you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
