u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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