i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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