i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My ATM looks so different sober.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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