oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
