You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize