He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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