Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
