Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize