I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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