Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
