plz talk dirty to me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need a beard to bite.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
