I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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