Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
