Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
