in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
3pm strippers are depressing
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
