Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize