We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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