omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
