she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize