words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
