I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
