I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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