I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize