oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
