i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
