You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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