there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
