Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
