I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
