I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
